Self harm
by catmrib
Summary: He took the dagger and cut one more line into his skin. The pain was burning in his arm, but at least it wasn't in his chest, because those feelings were a lot worse. Alec hadn't done this in a while. Not since he met Magnus. But after his parents telling him what they really thought about him he just broke.
1. Chapter 1

**Notes:**

 **So this is my first angsty fic. Or at least I tried to make it angsty. Is it angsty? Is it any good? I would love to know, and I would love to get help at making it even better, so leave a comment telling me what you think.**  
 **Sorry for any mistakes on the spelling or the grammar. If you find any just tell me and I'll fix them**

Chapter one

Alec couldn't take it. He couldn't the pain of sorrow, he prefered the physical one. That was why there were now four straight lines from his wrist to the crook of his elbow.

He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew he was weak. The tears streaming down his face and the cuts on his arms proved that, but he didn't stop because of it though, if anything it just motivated him.

He took the dagger and cut one more line into his skin. The pain was burning in his arm, but at least it wasn't in his chest, because those feelings were a lot worse.

Alec hadn't done this in a while. Not since he met Magnus. But after his parents telling him what they really thought about him he just broke.

His siblings hadn't really helped. All they did was tell him to ignore them. "They will come around." Jace had said. But he hadn't been there. He hadn't seen their faces while they were yelling. He played strong for his siblings, he didn't need them thinking, knowing, he was weak, but the second they left he was in his room with the door locked and a dagger in his could still hear his parents yelling in his head.

"You're such a disappointment!"

One cut. Disappointment.

"You're not worthy of our family name!"

Another cut. Not worthy.

"You being with that warlock is disgusting!"

A third one. Disgusting.

"You're just a failed first experiment!"

Yet another one. Failure.

"I hate you!"

The 5th cut. Hate.

And Alec started sobbing. He knew his parents weren't pleased with him, but he had never expected them to hate him.

And it just kept going. Alec didn't even notice someone knocking at the door through his sobbs. He didn't hear anyone scream his name. He was falling through and endless darkness of his parents words.

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

His parents voice was all he heard. He didn't hear when his door flew open and someone came running in. All he could hear was his parents.

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

He barely felt it when a warm hand was laid on his cold shoulder and the dagger dragged out of his hands. He didn't notice anything before he saw blue sparks dance over his arm.

"Don't" Alec said through his sobs as he pulled his arm out of Magnus' grip. Magnus stopped and looked up at Alec, a confused look on his face.

"I deserve it." Alec forced out. He was trying to calm his breath, he had managed to stop sobbing. "I deserve the pain." He said as if to explain. Now that he wasn't sobbing he just wanted Magnus to go away. Or to understand why he was doing it. He didn't want anyone to try and stop him.

"I deserve the pain and the hate and the disappointment. I deserve all of it. I'm just a failure." Magnus looked taken aback. Fear, worry and sadness in his eyes.

"The only thing you deserve is happiness, Alexander. Happiness and love." He said. Then he took Alec's arm in his hand again. Alec pulled it back. "You don't deserve any of this." Magnus said. "And you most certainly do not deserve hate or disappointment." He tried to convince Alec. But Alec wasn't easy to convince.

"Yes I do, Magnus. Everyone hates me. My parents, Izzy, Jace, everyone, and I deserve their hate." Magnus flinched at that.

"I don't hate you." He said.

"Not yet, but you will get tired of me. Everyone does eventually." Magnus almost looked hurt. Almost.

"Nobody can get tired of you Alexander. You're way to amazing for that." He paused to think for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "Jace and Isabelle don't hate you. They're trying to help you, but they can't do that if you don't open up." Magnus took Alec's hand in his, and this time Alec let him. But when Magnus went to heal his arm he stopped him again.

"Izzy and Jace may not hate me, but my parents do." Magnus sighed.

"Your parents are… They're still trying to wrap their minds about you being gay. They don't hate you, they're just confused." Alec shook his head. Both to deny what Magnus was saying and to shake his parents voices away from his head. They were starting to drown him again.

"They didn't look so confused when they were yelling at my face that I'm a failure and that they hate me." The tears started streaming down his face again. Alec dried them quickly away.

Magnus looked shocked, but that didn't stop him from talking. "So maybe your parents do hate you, there are still a lot of people that love you Alexander, so don't focus on the ones that don't." But that just made more tears stream down Alec's face.

"You're being just like Iz and Jace!" He said while trying to dry away the tears before they even left his eyes. "Telling me to ignore them like it's that easy! If I could ignore them I would!" He sounded angry now, but all that anger disappeared as quickly as it came. "Why can't people just get that?" He asked, desperation in his voice. You could hear by his voice that Alec Lightwood was falling apart.

"I get it Alexander." Magnus said silently. "I get it perfectly. I've been there myself." Magnus started dragging up his sleeves. "See." He said as he pointed out a few almost invisible lines on his arms. "I know exactly how you're feeling. I know that feeling the pain from the cuts is so much easier than feeling pain from the sorrow, but I also know that it's addictive, and one day you'll find yourself on a rooftop, ready to jump down and you won't even occur to you that some people love you and some people will miss you." Magnus took a deep breath. "I will miss you Alexander. And so will Isabelle and Jace. And Clary and Simon too. There might not be very many people that love you Alexander, but the ones that do love you with all their heart."

Alec just shook his head. He didn't believe him. Nobody could love him. He heard his parents yelling at him again.

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

That was what everyone thought of him. If he opened his eyes and looked into Magnus' he knew what he was going to see. Disappointment, disgust and hate.

But then he opened his eyes and looked into Magnus'. Magnus had let the glamours down, so he was staring straight at his real eyes, and all he could see was honesty. Honesty and worry and sadness and love. He could see love in Magnus' eyes. Love directed to him. Love Magnus felt for him. Someone did love him. Magnus loved him, and even if Jace and Izzy didn't show it all the time they did love him too. The only ones that didn't love him were his parents, but he could live with that. Magnus loved him enough for three. As did Jace and Izzy.

"You're right." Alec mumbled. He looked at Magnus. "You're right, they don't hate me." He said as he pulled Magnus into a hug. He buried his face in Magnus shoulder.

"Of course not darling." Magnus pulled back. "Can I heal this now?" He said as he took Alec's hand in his and turned it so the cuts were facing up. Alec nodded, and barely a second later blue sparks were flying around his arm. Alec felt the pain disappear as the cuts slowly closed.

Once he was finished Magnus sighed. "Let's go home, shall we?" He asked as he stood up. Alec nodded again. Magnus took Alec's hand and pulled him out the door. Again, Alec didn't notice anything around him except for Magnus' hand leading him through the institute. He didn't notice Izzy and Jace's questioning looks when they passed them. He didn't notice Magnus shaking his head at them and dragging him along before they got the chance to say anything.

All he noticed was Magnus' hand holding onto him like an anchor, keeping him away from hell like and angel, giving him air when he felt like he was drowning. He didn't notice they were home before Magnus' hand left his. He barely noticed Magnus taking off his clothes and tucking him into bed. He didn't sleep before hours later when Magnus joined him. Only when he had those strong arms around his waist could he finally sleep.


	2. Chapter 2: The next morning

Alec woke up to a cold an empty bed. He didn't hear the water running in the shower, so he assumed Magnus was in the kitchen.

As Alec got out of bed he started to think about the night before, and that's when the memories came flying back.

He remembered his parents yelling, remembered the pain in his arm that drowned out the pain in his chest, he remembered Magnus telling him to stop and he remembered stopping, but most of all he remembered his parents words.

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

He felt his heart clench in his chest at the thought, so he quickly pushed the memory away.

Just as he had thought, Magnus was in the kitchen. He was sitting on a chair with a cup coffee in his hands and a distant look on his face. He wasn't wearing anything but boxers, and neither was Alec.

"Magnus?"

Magnus snapped out of his thoughts.

"Alexander" He looked up at Alec. "We need to talk about what happened yesterday."

Alec sighed. He knew this was coming, he knew Magnus wouldn't just forget this, but he had hoped he would get at least a little time to think about it alone.

"Alexander, please. If you don't talk about it to anyone it will just get worse." Alec nodded and sat down. Without him having to ask Magnus magiced up a cup coffee.

"What do you want to talk about then?" Alec asked as he took a sip of his coffee.

"How long have you been doing it?"

Alec didn't answer at once, but then he said "This was the first time in a while, I haven't done it since I met you."

Alec thought he almost saw Magnus smile. Almost.

"What changed? What made you do it now?"

Alec looked down at his coffee. He really didn't want to talk about it. Actually, he just wanted a memory wipe to forget everything that happened the day before. But he knew Magnus wasn't going to give up that easily, so he tried to find words to explain. Except there were no words. No words could explain the pain he had felt when the day before. The pain that had pushed him over the edge. The words that had pushed him over the edge.

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

He didn't know how he could explain the previous day to Magnus without…

"Can I show you?" Alec mumbled. Magnus looked confused, so he tried to explain. "Like, can you cast a spell so that I can show you what happened? Through my memories?" Magnus finally looked like he understood. He put up a finger as a sign for Alec to wait and almost ran to his 'library' aka the bookshelves in the livingroom. He came back a second later with a spellbook in his hands.

"Just a sec." He said as he started to read the words out loud. Blue sparks flied around him and his yellow eyes shined. When he finished the spell he took Alec's hand in his.

"Show me." Alec did. He thought about the day before. About how it had all started.

 _Alec and Jace entered the institute with their weapons and gear full of demon blood. They barely had time to take a shower and change clothes before they were ordered to Maryse's office._

 _The second they entered the office when Maryse started talking. "There has been more demon attacks lately, and the clave suspects it is because of Valentine."_

 _"Oh, really? I thought it was because the demons enjoyed summer so much." Jace said ironically. Maryse shot him a glare that would have terrified anyone else, but Jace just ignored her._

 _"Anyway," Maryse continued. "We have orders to double the security, nobody leaves the institute without either orders or permission from me or you father. Is that understood?" Both Alec and Jace nodded. "Okay, you can go now."_

 _Just as Maryse said that Robert opened the door. "Am I disturbing anything?" He asked, but before anyone had time to say anything Jace said "No, we were just leaving, right Alec?" Alec nodded._

 _"Yeah, I just have to do something first, I'll catch up with you." Jace nodded and left the room._

 _"So Alec, what do you want?" Robert asked. He didn't look pleased that Alec hadn't left the room with Jace, but then he never looked pleased when Alec was around. Alec had grown used to it, and even though his parents were obviously not pleased with him they still loved him. He was their son after all._

 _"I was wondering if I could go and see Magnus later. Since I need your permission I might just as well get it now so I don't need to find you later." The second Alec looked at his father's face he saw he had done something wrong._

 _"No." His father said through gritted teeth. "No, you are not allowed to go see your warlock friend."_

 _"Why not? It's not like he is a murderer or a criminal or something, he's just a warlock. I don't get what you have against him."_

 _"We don't have anything against him," It was Maryse speaking now. "He might be the most annoying, egoistic, stupid warlock in the world, but he comes in handy sometimes, and it's not like we expect anything better from a downworlder. You on the other hand, we expected a lot better from you. You were supposed to lead this institute after us, you were supposed to give us grandchildren and a legacy, you were supposed to be great, but you choose that idiotic warlock over you own family. You're such a disappointment!"_

 _Disappointment._

 _Alec was in shook. He had never expected his mother to snap like that. "W- what?" He said, trying to understand what was going on._

 _"Weren't you listening? She said you were a disappointment and that you're not worthy of our family name!"_

 _Disappointment. Not worthy._

 _"Wha- Is this about Magnus?"_

 _"No, It's not about Magnus," Maryse snarled out the name like it was poison. "It's about you. You're the one dating a warlock. It's not his fault he was born a demon" "Half demon." Alec shoot in. "but it is your fault that you are dating him. It's disgusting! The warlock himself is disgusting, but you willingly spending time with him, that's even worse!"_

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting._

 _Alec couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew his parents disagreed on his relationship with Magnus, but he had thought they at least understood a little bit. He had never imagined that they would think that. He knew he should be sad his parents thought that about him, but all he could feel was anger. How dare they call Magnus all those things!_

 _"Stop calling him that" He hissed._

 _"Don't tell me you're defending the warlock?" His father sounded like he was about to explode from anger. "Are you defending the son of a demon?"_

 _"Yes, I am defending him, but only because he's worth it. He's worth defending because I know he would defend me if the roles were switched. Sometimes you're more of a demon that he is." Alec growled, face red and body shaking from the anger boiling in him._

 _His mother on the other hand, she looked collected and calm, even though her eyes, shining with rage and disgust, gave her away._

 _"Jace and Isabelle were always better." She said._

 _Alec didn't understand how she could think that. Jace and Izzy were just as much with downworlders as he was. Before he had time to comment on that his mother spoke up again._

 _"They might be flirting around with downworlders, but they do it for fun. None of them have ever spent more than a night with the same downworlder. Plus, they're teenagers. They need their freedom."_

 _How about me? Don't I need my freedom? Alec wanted to ask, but he figured he already knew the answer, and since the question was only going to anger his parents even more he stayed silent._

 _"We would have been better of with just Jace and Isabelle, you're just a failed first experiment!"_

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure._

 _This hurt Alec. He was used to be called a disappointment, and he had been to angry to care about the others, but being compared to Izzy and Jace, being told that his own parents would have prefered if he had never been born, that hurt. That hurt a lot._

 _"Is that what you think of me? That I'm a failure? A disappointment? Is that what you think?" Alec could feel tears begin to form in his eyes, but he forced them back. He was not giving his parents the pleasure of watching him cry._

 _"Yes, that is most certainly what we think of you."_

 _"What you feel then? What do you feel when you think of me?"_

 _"You really want to know? You want to know what I feel when I'm talking to you, or when I see you across the room? You want to know what I really feel about you?" Alec just stared at Robert, so Robert kept going._

 _"Hate. That's what I feel. Every time I see you I feel a burning feeling of hate and disappointment in my gut. I hate you!"_

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

 _I hate you! Hate hate hate hate hate…_

 _That was it. If the other words had hurt Alec then that one broke him._

 _It was like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, torn into pieces and then thrown into a bucket of lava. If his own parents couldn't love him, then who could?_

 _Alec forced away the tears that were threatening to fall and backed away to the door. He ran blindly out of the room, and he didn't notice where he was running before he heard Jace's voice._

 _"Alec?" The second hi saw Alec's face his own turned from amused to worried in the blink of an eye. "Alec, what's wrong?"_

 _"Nothing" Alec tried to smile, but it turned into a grimace. He didn't want to burden Jace with his problems, but he could see Jace wasn't letting this go, so he tried to tell a part of the truth._

 _"It's just mom and dad trying to make my life hell."_

 _"What did they say? I swear, I'm going to-"_

 _"There's no need, Jace. I'm used to it." Jace looked doubting, but before he had time to question anything a door was opened._

 _"Hi guys! Am I disturbing anything?" One glance at them and Izzy realized her bright mood wasn't exactly fit in their conversation. "I am disturbing something. Okay, I'm sorry, go on." She made her way back to the door._

 _"No, you're not disturbing anything, we were just finishing." Alec said before she could leave, desperate to find an excuse to leave himself and just sit down in his room and cry._

 _"Okay…?" Izzy looked at Jace who gave a small nod. "Great, I just wanted to know if any of you want to train with me?" Alec saw the perfect opportunity and shot in before anyone could say anything._

 _"You two train. I- I have something I need to take care of."_

 _Jace looked doubtfully at him before nodding. "Just try to ignore them, they will come around." He said as Alec left for the door. Alec nodded before closing the door and pretty much sprinting to his room. He didn't notice that he locked the door or grabbed the dagger. It was all foggy. The next thing he remembered there were already a few lines in his arm, from his wrist to the crook of his elbow. His parents word echoing in his mind._

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

 _Alec felt tears run down his chin and blood down his arm, but he didn't stop, the pain from the cuts being so much better than the pain in the chest. His chest feeling like it had been ripped apart and cut into pieces. He felt alone, nobody loved him, not even Magnus…_

Alec felt himself being dragged out of the memory. He didn't dare look at Magnus, so he looked at his hand instead. The hand that was intertwined with Magnus'.

Alec didn't notice the tears running down his face before he felt Magnus' fingers wiping them away, quickly followed by his mouth kissing on every single place there had been a tear, showering his chin with small kisses.

"It's okay Alexander, I'm here." He said. "I'm here, and I'm never leaving you. Just promise me next time it gets that bad you will talk to me, or anyone else, about if before you start hurting yourself. Can you promise me that?" Alec nodded.

"I promise"

 **Thank you for reading, this is probably the end of this, but I might write the scenes in Magnus' POV too if anyone wants that.**  
 **Sorry again for any mistakes, feel free to tell me about them.**  
 **Feedback is always appriciated**


	3. Magnus's POV

**So, here it is.**  
 **Some people asked for this, so now you have it.**  
 **The next chapter will be out in a few days**

Alec wasn't there yet. He said he would be at Magnus's apartment by five, but he wasn't.

Magnus was overreacting. He knew it. It was only ten past five. Alec could be stuck in traffic (he didn't drive, how could he be stuck in traffic?) or maybe Jace insisted on staying longer (Jace was always disturbing his and Alec's private times) , or maybe Izzy had decided to try to cook again and Alec had to stop her (last time she tried to cook the area around the kitchen had to be evacuated). There were thousands of reasons for Alec to be late, and yet Magnus couldn't stop worrying. He had a feeling something was wrong, and Magnus had learned to trust his feelings.

After five more minutes of worrying and pacing in the living room Magnus decided to do what normal people would do and called Alec.

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

Magnus wasn't panicking. It had only rung three times. Maybe Alec was in the bathroom?

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

He was in the bathroom for sure. There was no other explanation.

 _Beep._

 _Beep._

 _The person you are calling is not answering._ A voice said. To Magnus it sounded like it was saying 'something happened. Alec is dead.'

 _Please try again later._ And Magnus tried. He called Alec two, three, four times. Every time he was answered with the woman's cold voice, and every time his worry only increased.

Magnus, who was older than God knows who, figured he couldn't do anything if he passed out or had a heart attack, so he told himself to suck it up and call Jace.

Jace didn't help.

"I saw him half an hour ago, he didn't look very good. I think it was something about our parents."

"Is he still in the institute?"

"I don't know, I don't have a tracker in him."

"I'm coming to the institute. I'll text you when I get there so you can open the door."

"Wha-"

Magnus hung up. He couldn't deal with Jace. He could barely deal with himself.

The part of Magnus' brain that didn't want him to hyperventilate and die of worry was telling him things like 'Jace saw him half an hour ago. Everything is fine. Alec is a Shadowhunter, he can take care of himself.'

The other part of Magnus's brain, the one that was a little radical and overreacting, was saying stuff like 'a lot can happen in half an hour. You don't know if everything is fine. Not even the best Shadowhunters are immortal.'

Magnus was trying very hard to ignore both sides and just _make a freaking portal!_

All the emotions inside of him was making it hard to control his magic, and the portal simply refused to open.

It took him 10 times longer to open the portal then it normally did, which means it took over a minute and _way_ too long in Magnus's opinion.

The portal opened right outside the institute, and Magnus sent Jace a text.

It felt like hours before the door finally opened, and Magnus didn't even look at Jace, he just bursted in and didn't even need to think as his legs made their way to Alec's room, he knew the way like the back of his hand.

Alec's door was locked. Alec's door was never locked. Alec always thought that locking his door would slow him down if he was ever needed somewhere, and therefore refused to lock it.

Magnus knocked. He could easily blow the door down with his Magic, but the door was locked for a reason, and Magnus had to respect that.

When Magnus didn't get any answer he knocked again. Maybe, he thought, Alec isn't even in there. Maybe he locked the room from outside.

The thought disappeared when he heard a sound from inside the room though. It sounded like… sobbing?

Magnus knocked again. Harder this time. He might have misheard, but if he hadn't then Alexander, his Alexander, was in there crying.

"Alexander? Are you in there?" He didn't get an answer, but the sobs were louder now, and there was no doubt they were there.

"Alec! Let me in Alexander!" No reaction, but the sobs continued.

"Alexander!" Magnus gave up trying to knock and tried to open the door with his Magic. The door flew open and Magnus practically ran into the room.

The sight that met him would hunt him for the rest of him immortal life.

Alec was sitting on the ground with a dagger in his hand and blood dripping down his arm. His face was full of tears and his eyes full of pain.

But not the pain from his arm. The worst pain of all, the one you feel in your heart.

For a second all Magnus could do was stare. Then he was moving on autopilot.

One of his hands went to Alec's shoulder, and he could feel how cold he was through his shirt. The other hand went after the blade that was halfway down to Alec's wrist.

Magnus threw the blade away to the opposite side of the room. He didn't even look to see where it had landed, as long as it was far away from Alec it didn't matter where.

Magnus took Alec's bleeding arm in his hands and tried to clear his head. There were seven red lines on Alec's arm, but Magnus couldn't heal any of them if he didn't focus.

Magnus forced himself to focus on a simple healing spell. He had never been too good on healing magic, but even the worst warlocks could heal a few cuts.

Blue sparks started to fly around Alec's arm, and just as the spell was about to start healing Alec's arm was pulled away from his hand.

"Don't" Alec forced out between his sobbs. Magnus stopped and stared at Alec. Why wouldn't he let him heal him?

"I deserve it." Alec looked like he was trying very hard to breath calmly, and he wasn't sobbing anymore. "I deserve the pain." Magnus couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I deserve the pain and the hate and the disappointment. I deserve all of it. I'm just a failure." He knew Alec was a troubled person, but he had never thought he would do anything like this. Or think anything like that. It was sad how the nicest people were the ones that never shared their problems, and the more beautiful the face the worse the secret. Magnus had learned that the hard way.

"The only thing you deserve is happiness, Alexander. Happiness and love." Magnus tried to take Alec's arm in his hand again, but Alec pulled it away. "You don't deserve every any if this. And you most certainly do not deserve hate or disappointment." Alec was clearly not convinced.

"Yes I do, Magnus. Everyone hates me. My parents, Izzy, Jace, everyone, and I deserve their hate." Magnus flinched. How could Alec think everyone hates him? How could he think _Magnus_ hated him?

"I don't hate you."

"Not yet, but you will get tired of me. Everyone does eventually" Magnus almost wished that. He almost wished that he could get tired of Alec so he wouldn't have to deal with the pain of losing him, but at the same time he didn't doubt for a second that he was going to love Alexander until he died, which meant forever.

"Nobody can get tired of you Alexander. You're way to amazing for that." Magnus stopped for a second to think about what to say. He knew that one wrong word could throw Alec of the cliff he was standing on. "Jace and Isabelle don't hate you. They're trying to help you, but they can't do that if you don't open up." Magnus took Alec's hand in his and hoped that Alec wouldn't pull away this time. He didn't. Magnus tested his luck and tried to heal Alec's arm again. Alec didn't let him.

"Izzy and Jace may not hate me, but my parents do." Magnus sighed. Of course it had something to do with his parents.

"Your parents are… They're still trying to wrap their minds around you being gay. They don't hate you, they're just confused." Alec shook his head. He didn't believe him.

"They didn't look so confused when they were yelling at my face that I'm a failure and that they hate me" A few tears escaped his eyes, but Alec dried them away before Magnus could do anything about it.

Not that Magnus would manage to do anything though. He was shocked. He knew Alec's parents didn't like that Alec was gay and dating him, and he knew that that they were disappointed, but he was still their son. They couldn't hate their son. Or maybe they could. They were shadowhunters after all, and most shadowhunters seemed to think that you're either perfect or a disgrace.

"So maybe your parents do hate you, there are still a lot of people the love you Alexander, so don't focus on the ones that don't." Magnus thought it was going to help, but apparently it didn't. More tears started rolling down Alec's face, despite Alec's efforts to stop them.

"You're being just like Iz and Jace! Telling me to ignore them like it's that easy! If I could ignore them I would!" Magnus could hear the anger in his voice, but it was quickly replaced by desperation. "Why can't people just get that?" Alec sounded broken, and Magnus didn't like it.

"I get it Alexander." Magnus said. He remembered a time he was just like Alec. Right after Camille had broken up with him. "I get I perfectly. I've been there myself." Magnus dragged his sleeves up to his elbow and pointed at some of the lines in his arm. They were almost impossible to see if you didn't know they were there.

"I know exactly what you're feeling." Magnus remembered how having blood run down his arms was so much easier than having tears run down his face. How the pain in the arm drowned out the pain in the chest. "I know that feeling the pain from the cuts is so much easier then than feeling pain from the sorrow" Magnus paused for a second. He remembered how he suddenly found himself on a bridge. He didn't remember how he had gotten there, just that he was there and that he was going to jump, and if it hadn't been for Catarina, he would've. "But I also know that it's addictive, and one day you'll find yourself on a rooftop and it won't even occur to you that some people love you and some people will miss you. I will miss you Alexander. And so will Isabelle and Jace. And Clary and Simon too. There might not be very many people that love you Alec, but the ones that do love you with all their heart."

Alec shook his head. Magnus didn't know what made him think he was hated. He didn't know what his parents told him, but he knew that he could make Alec see the truth. If only Alec looked into his eyes he could see that Magnus was being completely honest with him. Magnus had even let the glamours down since he knew Alec preferred his real eyes.

Alec still didn't open his eyes though, but Magnus didn't rush him, he could take all the time he needed.

It felt like hours before he finally opened his eyes, and when Alec looked at him Magnus could see his eyes were still full of tears and pain.

As Alec stared at Magnus the pain in his eyes started dimming. It didn't disappear completely, but it was overshadowed by something else, it was overshadowed by hope.

"You're right." Alec mumbled as he looked up at Magnus. "You're right, they don't hate me." Alec pulled Magnus into a tight hug.

"Of course not darling. Can I heal this now?" He said as he pulled back and took Alec's arm in his hand again. This time Alec didn't pull away, and when he nodded Magnus didn't waste a second.

Once the cuts were healed and the only sign after them was the drying blood Magnus sighed. "Let's go home, shall we? Magnus stood up, and when Alec nodded he took his hands and pulled him up. He saw Alec's glazed look as he pulled him out the door. Like he wasn't there at all, like it was just an empty body waiting for someone to live there.

Alec didn't even notice when they passed Isabelle and Jace, but they noticed them, and it was clear that they were curious.

Magnus shook his head and sent them a look telling them to stay away. The last thing Alec needed now was to be in the institute, and Magnus had to get him home.

Isabelle and Jace must've seen he was serious, cause they didn't say anything. Magnus felt their stares on them until they were out of sight though.

The second they were out the institute Magnus made a portal, and the second they got home he pulled Alec to their room.

He slowly stripped Alec of all his clothes, leaving him in only boxers. Alec barely moved, and once he was laying on the bed all he did was stare, stare at the ceiling with empty eyes.

Magnus wasn't much different. After he left Alec in their room all he did was stare at nothing for hours before going to bed.

He could feel that Alec wasn't asleep. He was way to tense and his breath way to harsh to be sleeping, but Magnus could feel him practically melt when he circled his arms around his waist. Minutes later Alec was sleeping, and only a few moments passed before Magnus fell asleep too.

 **Notes:**

 **Thank you for reading!**  
 **Sorry for any mistakes you might find, and feel free to tell me if there is one you want me to fiks.**  
 **I love feedback and prompts, so feel free to leave any in the comments.**


	4. The next morning Magnus's POV

_Again, sorry for taking so long. I have no excuse for taking so long except for the fact that fanfiction is very distracting and I only wrote this at 3 am when I was finally finished with reading all the fics I could find_.

Magnus woke up to a sleeping Alec. He looked peaceful when the burdens of being him were lifted of his shoulders.

Alec had a lot of problems to deal with. First of all he was a Shadowhunter, created to protect the downworlders and mundanes from demons and bla bla bla. Alec took that job way too seriously, and if anyone, mundane, downworlder or shadowhunter, got hurt, Alec would immediately blame himself even if it wasn't his fault. Having to deal with his parents and the Clave's homophobia on top of that didn't exactly help.

When Alec was sleeping all his pain and worry went out the window, and that was when he was the most beautiful.

It was rare for Alec to be completely relaxed and without worries, it only happened when he was sleeping, on some rare and calm evenings and during more… intimate activities.

Magnus slid out of bed after staring at Alec's beauty for a while. He took a quick shower before he left for the kitchen.

Once he was sitting at the table with a cup coffee in his hands he finally let his thoughts wander to the day before.

He remembered how Alec had seemed broken, like he had nothing left to live for. Magnus had seen Alec sad and exposed before, but not like that. He had never looked like he just wanted to jump of a rooftop and end his misery. He wondered what could have caused it...

Magnus sat so deep in thought he didn't even notice that someone walked into the room.

"Magnus?"

Alec's voice brought Alec out of his trance.

"Alexander" Magnus looked up at Alec. "We need to talk about what happened yesterday."

Alec sighed. He looked like he was fighting with himself over something. Like one part wanted to talk to Magnus and the other part was scared of opening up to someone.

"Alexander, please. If you don't talk about it to anyone it will just get worse." Alec hesitated a second before nodding and sitting down. Magnus waved his hand and made a cup of coffee appear in front of Alec.

"What do you want to talk about then?" Alec took a sip of his coffee.

"How long have you been doing it?"

Alec took a while to answer, but Magnus had time, he wasn't in a hurry, and if Alec needed time then Magnus would gladly give it to him.

"This was the first time in a while, I haven't done it since met you." Magnus almost smiled at that. He was happy Alec hadn't been doing it while they were together. Partially because he would have been very disappointed and mad at himself if he hadn't noticed. But knowing that Alec had done it before hurt him deep in his soul. Plus the fact that something terrible must've happened for Alec to go down that path again.

"What changed? What made you do it now?"

Alec's eyes fell down to his coffee. Once again he stayed silent for quite a while. Alec opened his mouth more than once, but no sound came out. Magnus wasn't even sure Alec was aware that he was doing it.

After waiting for a few torturous minutes Alec finally mumbled something, "Can I show you?" Magnus was confused. Show him what?

"Like, can you cast a spell so that I can show you what happened? Through my memories?" Oh. Oh.

Alec wanted to show Magnus his memory. Alec wanted to show Magnus a memory which included all of his feelings and thoughts. Alec was literally trusting Magus with himself. Magnu put up a finger, signalling for Alec to wait before he practically ran to his library. Magnus knew exactly what he needed, a blue book in one of the top shelves. His eyes immediately landed on the book.

He opened the book on his way back to the kitchen and found the page just as he came back into the kitchen.

"Just a sec." Magnus started to read the spell out loud. It was a simple spell, really. All it needed was a few words in Latin and a little Magic.

Magnus finished the spell and took Alec's hand in his. "Show me." And Alec did. He closed his eyes, and Magnus immediately felt himself being pulled into Alec's head.

 _Alec and Jace entered the institute with their weapons and gear full of demon blood. They barely had time to take a shower and change clothes before they were ordered to Maryse's office._

Oh great. Nothing good ever happens in Maryse's office.

 _The second they entered the office Maryse started talking. "There has been more demon attacks lately, and the clave suspects it is because of Valentine."_

 _"Oh, really? I thought it was because the demons enjoyed summer so much."_

Jace spoke Magnus's mind.

 _Maryse shot Jace a glare that would have terrified anyone else, but Jace just ignored her._

 _"Anyway," Maryse continued. "We have orders to double the security, nobody leaves the institute without either orders or permission from me or you father. Is that understood?" Both Alec and Jace nodded. "Okay, you can go now."_

 _Just as Maryse said that Robert opened the door._

Robert. Great.

 _"Am I disturbing anything?" He asked, but before anyone had time to say anything Jace said "No, we were just leaving, right Alec?" Alec nodded._

 _"Yeah, I just have to do something first, I'll catch up with you." Jace nodded and left the room._

 _"So Alec, what do you want?" Robert asked. He didn't look pleased that Alec hadn't left the room with Jace, but then he never looked pleased when Alec was around. Alec had grown used to it, and even though his parents were obviously not pleased with him they still loved him. He was their son after all._

Magnus knew that it was very possible for a parent to hate their child, but Maryse and Robert weren't like that, were they?

 _"I was wondering if I could go and see Magnus later. Since I need your permission I might just as well get it now so I don't need to find you later." The second Alec looked at his father's face he saw he had done something wrong._

'You didn't do anything wrong, Alec. Only in your father's eyes.' Magnus thought.

 _"No." His father said through gritted teeth. "No, you are not allowed to go see your warlock friend."_

Warlock friend? His name was Magnus and he was his _boy_ friend, thank you very much.

 _"Why not? It's not like he is a murderer or a criminal or something, he's just a warlock. I don't get what you have against him."_

 _"We don't have anything against him ," It was Maryse speaking now. "He might be the most annoying, egoistic, stupid warlock in the world, but he comes in handy sometimes, and it's not like we expect anything better from a downworlder."_

'Um? Excuse me? I'm the best warlock that has ever walked the face of earth.'

 _"You on the other hand, we expected a lot better from you. You were supposed to lead this institute after us, you were supposed to give us grandchildren and a legacy, you were supposed to be great, but you choose that idiotic warlock over you own family. You're such a disappointment!"_

Disappointment.

'Hey! Don't talk to your son like that! He is much better than you will ever even come close to be!'

 _Alec was in shook. He had never expected his mother to snap like that. "W- what?" He said, trying to understand what was going on._

 _"Weren't you listening? She said you were a disappointment and that you're not worthy of our family name!"_

Disappointment. Not worthy.

If he couldn't have the Lightwood name then Magnus would be more than happy to give him his.

 _"Wha- Is this about Magnus?"_

 _"No, It's not about_ Magnus _," Maryse snarled out the name like it was poison. "It's about you. You're the one dating a warlock. It's not his fault he was born a demon" "Half demon." Alec shoot in._

Magnus heart warmed when he heard Alec defending him even while he was getting harassed by his parents.

 _"but it is your fault that you are dating him. It's disgusting! The warlock himself is disgusting, but you willingly spending time with him, that's even worse!"_

Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting.

The only thing that was disgusting was the fact that people would say that to their own son.

 _Alec couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew his parents disagreed on his relationship with Magnus, but he had thought they at least understood a little bit. He had never imagined that they would think that. He knew he should be sad his parents thought that about him, but all he could feel was anger. How dare they call Magnus all those things!_

 _"Stop calling him that" He hissed._

 _"Don't tell me you're defending the warlock?" His father sounded like he was about to explode from anger. "Are you defending the son of a demon?"_

 _"Yes, I am defending him, but only because he's worth it. He's worth defending because I know he would defend me if the roles were switched. Sometimes you're more of a demon that he is." Alec growled, face red and body shaking from the anger boiling in him._

Magnus felt tears swell up in his eyes at what Alec was saying. Alec was being so brave saying that to his parents.

 _His mother on the other hand, she looked collected and calm, even though her eyes, shining with rage and disgust, gave her away._

 _"Jace and Isabelle were always better." She said._

'Jace and Isabelle? Are you sure we're talking about the same people here?'

 _Alec didn't understand how she could think that. Jace and Izzy were just as much with downworlders as he was. Before he had time to comment on that his mother spoke up again._

 _"They might be flirting around with downworlders, but they do it for fun. None of them have ever spent more than a night with the same downworlder. Plus, they're teenagers. They need their freedom."_

 _How about me? Don't I need my freedom? Alec wanted to ask, but he figured he already knew the answer, and since the question was only going to anger his parents even more he stayed silent._

'That's not how it should be! Alec shouldn't be afraid of saying what he means! Alec is only a few years older than Jace and Isabelle, how can they have right to freedom while he doesn't?'

 _"We would have been better of with just Jace and Isabelle, you're just a failed first experiment!"_

Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure.

 _This hurt Alec. He was used to be called a disappointment, and he had been to angry to care about the others, but being compared to Izzy and Jace, being told that his own parents would have prefered if he had never been born, that hurt. That hurt a lot._

And Magnus knew exactly how much. He still remembered how he felt when he realised his mother would rather die than have him as her son, even though that was decades ago.

 _"Is that what you think of me? That I'm a failure? A disappointment? Is that what you think?" Alec could feel tears begin to form in his eyes, but he forced them back. He was not giving his parents the pleasure of watching him cry._

 _"Yes, that is most certainly what we think of you."_

 _"What you feel then? What do you feel when you think of me?"_

Magnus had a feeling he already knew the answer, but oh, how he hoped he was wrong.

 _"You really want to know? You want to know what I feel when I'm talking to you, or when I see you across the room? You want to know what I really feel about you?" Alec just stared at Robert, so Robert kept going._

 _"Hate. That's what I feel. Every time I see you I feel a burning feeling of hate and disappointment in my gut. I hate you!"_

Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate.

Magnus felt the pain hit his chest like a bullet. It wasn't his pain, not really, but it was Alec's, which made it Magnus's too.

 _I hate you! Hate hate hate hate hate…_

None of them had to suffer alone. Magnus was there to help taking the pain off Alec's shoulders.

 _That was it. If the other words had hurt Alec then that one broke him._

 _It was like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, torn into pieces and then thrown into a bucket of lava. If his own parents couldn't love him, then who could?_

'I will love you Alexander. I will always love you.'

 _Alec forced away the tears that were threatening to fall and backed away to the door. He ran blindly out of the room, and he didn't notice where he was running before he heard Jace's voice._

 _"Alec?" The second he saw Alec's face his own turned from amused to worried in the blink of an eye. "Alec, what's wrong?"_

 _"Nothing" Alec tried to smile, but it turned into a grimace. He didn't want to burden Jace with his problems, but he could see Jace wasn't letting this go, so he tried to tell a part of the truth._

You are not burdening anyone with your problems, you are helping them help you. Keeping it all in will never work out good!

 _"It's just mom and dad trying to make my life hell."_

 _"What did they say? I swear, I'm going to-"_

 _"There's no need, Jace. I'm used to it."_

'Oh, there is need, Alexander, and whatever Jace was going to do I am going to do 10 times worse.' Magnus was not letting Maryse And Robert go on happy with their lives after they had hurt Alec like that.

 _Jace looked doubting, but before he had time to question anything a door was opened._

 _"Hi guys! Am I disturbing anything?" One glance at them and Izzy realized her bright mood wasn't exactly fit in their conversation. "I am disturbing something. Okay, I'm sorry, go on." She made her way back to the door._

 _"No, you're not disturbing anything, we were just finishing." Alec said before she could leave, desperate to find an excuse to leave himself and just sit down in his room and cry._

No Alec! Don't isolate yourself, talk to your siblings!

 _"Okay…?" Izzy looked at Jace who gave a small nod. "Great, I just wanted to know if any of you want to train with me?" Alec saw the perfect opportunity and shot in before anyone could say anything._

 _"You two train. I- I have something I need to take care of."_

 _Jace looked doubtfully at him before nodding. "Just try to ignore them, they will come around." He said as Alec left for the door. Alec nodded before closing the door and pretty much sprinting to his room. He didn't notice that he locked the door or grabbed the dagger. It was all foggy. The next thing he remembered there were already a few lines in his arm, from his wrist to the crook of his elbow. His parents word echoing in his mind._

Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate.

Oh, Alec…

 _Alec felt tears run down his chin and blood down his arm, but he didn't stop, the pain from the cuts being so much better than the pain in the chest. His chest feeling like it had been ripped apart and cut into pieces. He felt alone, nobody loved him, not even Magnus…_

Magnus stopped the memory. He already knew what happened next, and he really didn't want to live through Alec thinking Magnus didn't love him.

When Magnus looked up Alec was looking down a their intertwined hands. He had tears streaming down his face, but he wasn't making any move to removing them.

Magnus slowly took his free hand to Alec's face and gently wiped away the tears. He kissed every place there had been a tear, putting small kisses all over his face.

"It's okay Alexander, I'm here." He said. "I'm here, and I'm never leaving you. Just promise me next time it gets that bad you will talk to me, or anyone else, about if before you start hurting yourself. Can you promise me that?" Alec nodded.

"I promise"


	5. Chapter 5

Only a few days later Magnus got a fire message from Maryse that he was needed in the institute.

To say Magnus was mad at Maryse and Robert was an understatement, Magnus was absolutely outraged. He couldn't wait to get to the institute and give Alec's parents a piece of his mind.

The words from Alec's memory were still echoing in Magnus's mind.

 _Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate._

Magnus was going to make Maryse and Robert pay for what they said to Alec. For what they _did_ to Alec. They broke him.

Alec had never had much self-esteem, but it had never been like it was now. Alec never did anything without asking anymore.

He always asked for permission first, even for the smallest of things. When he wanted to hold his hand;

" _Can I hold you hand?"_

" _Of course, Alexander. You know you never have to ask."_

Or when he wanted to kiss him.

" _Can I kiss you?"_

" _Since when do you have to ask for permission?"_

 _The look on Alec's face said everything._

Alec had never been this vulnerable.

" _Do you want to do something?"_

" _N-no. Can- can you please just hold me?"_

" _Of course Alexander."_

"I'm going to make them regret they even talked to him that day." Magnus murmured as he spotted the door to Maryse's office.

Magnus didn't bother knocking, Maryse didn't deserve that kind of respect. Instead he just barged in.

"Magnus." Maryse looked startled up from her paperwork. "How nice of you to come so quickly." She didn't look as happy as she was trying to sound though.

"It was my pleasure, really." Magnus forced himself to sound nice and not just jump on Maryse and cut her throat out.

"What did you need my help for?"

"The wards need to be renewed."

"Renewed? They were renewed two months ago!"

"All the institutes have orders from the Clave to renew their wards because of Valentine."

When Magnus didn't move Maryse barked out, "What are you still doing here?"

Magnus left after that. All he wanted to do was pain Maryse likes she pained her son, but Alec's safety came first, and the wards were there to protect Alexander as well as all the others Shadowhunters.

Renewing the wards was a simple task, especially since they didn't need to be renewed, and it only took Magnus 15 minutes before he was on his way back to Maryse's office.

When he entered he noticed Maryse wasn't alone, she was talking to Robert.

Magnus announced his presence in the room by saying sarcastically, "Oh great, you're both here."

"Magnus." Roberts face looked like a mask of disgust. "What are you still doing here? You're free to go."

"I know I am, but I figured since I'm already here I might as well kill two birds with a stone and give you a piece of my mind."

"What?" Maryse looked confused, but at least she didn't have Robert's face of pure anger.

"You don't even remember, do you?"

"Remember what? If this is about what we did in the circle then let it go, it was ages ago." Maryse seemed to be the only one of them capable of talking. Robert hadn't said a word since he told Magnus to leave.

"The circle? I don't care about the circle, I care about Alexander!"

"Alec? What's wrong with Alec?" Then she realized. "Is this about what we said to him?"

"You really have to question that? You broke him, you fucking broke him! Alec tries not to show it, but he cares about what other people think of him, and especially what you think of him. He could deal with you being disappointed, but yelling at him that you hate him? That's not how you treat your son!" Magnus was so mad he didn't even bother controlling his magic, resulting in blue sparks flying around the room and a pair of yellow cat eyes flashing.

"We said what we said out of anger, we didn't mean all of it." There was a hint of fear in Maryse's voice.

"You didn't mean all of it?" Maryse quickly shook her head. "That just makes it all worse! You yelled at him that you hated him and that you would be better off without him, and now you're telling me you didn't mean it? How is that supposed to make anything better?"

"Shut it warlock!" It was the first time in a while Robert talked. "What we said to our son is none of your business, and I don't know about my wife, but I certainly meant everything I said. Our son is a Shadowhunter, and I don't know about you demons, but we Shadowhunters are thought to control our emotions, so if our son got a little emotional he should just be better! You have no right to barge in here and tell us how to treat our son!"

"Oh, ok. So now everything is supposed to be fine. He has been taught all his life that he shouldn't feel anything, so we should just forget the fact that he is half human, and not just angel, we should just forget that he is a fucking human being with thoughts and feelings and expect him to be a perfect little soldier who is always doing what you want him to do. If that's what you want then get a robot, not a son!"

Just as Magnus said the last word the lights in the room flickered and all the papers on the desk went flying to the ground. Magnus had to close his eyes and count to 10 to calm down and not accidentally kill the two Shadowhunters. He had a feeling that would bring problems.

"Next time you feel like saying shit about someone take a look at yourself before yelling at your son." With that Magnus left the room. The door closed behind him with a loud sound that attracted a lot of weird looks, but Magnus just barged through the institute and out the door.

He had to stop and breath for some minutes before he got himself under control. The portal he made took him to his room where Alec was still sleeping in their bed.

Alec looked peaceful at first glance, but if you looked closely you could see that his eyes were still red from crying.

Magnus quickly stripped down to his boxers and got under the covers.

"I've got you now Alexander. Nobody's going to hurt you while I'm here."

Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec's shoulder as he circled his arms around his waist.

"I love you." He murmured gently.

To Magnus's surprise, Alec actually answered.

"Low yu."

Magnus smiled. The words might have been random, but they sounded a lot like _love you._

"This," Magnus thought for the nht time in since he met Alec, "Is all I've ever wanted."


End file.
